I like boobs. I’m a straight woman, but really, who doesn’t appreciate them? Robots. Reptiles. Sauron. That’s about it. And I’m not even positive about Sauron. He might have, at some point, before he was all disembodied. Breasts are awesome. As feminist writer Gail Collins said in her New York Times piece, “Everybody likes breasts — infants, adults, women, men. Really, it’s America’s most popular body part.” But sometimes it seems like we only get to talk about how awesome certain kinds of boobs are. The ones that are bold, perfectly round, Sports Illustrated-style, belonging to Christina Hendricks, full, plush, generous, prominent, and just generally big.
Those words do not describe my breasts, but I like mine anyway. For some reason, I never learned to be ashamed. I listened to my brothers (and the world) make enthusiastic comments about well-endowed women, and, although I had a few moments of “Seriously, God? Where’s the rest of my chest? YOU FORGOT SOMETHING,” I grew up generally liking the way I looked. It could be that there’s something wrong with my brain. But I think it’s more likely that small boobs are pretty great. Here’s why.
1. They are cute. They just are. They look friendly and happy and sweet.
2. You can wear something really low-cut. I don’t dare, because I am scared of things no one should be scared of and also freakishly modest. But in theory, you can. And you probably should, if you have small boobs. Just to do it.
3. You don’t look “slutty,” necessarily. Sluttiness is a dumb concept. No one should be thought slutty at all, because it’s just dumb. And certainly no one should be thought slutty based on the basic shape of her body. But it happens. When my large-breasted friends walk down the street in a parka and plaid overalls and clumpy work boots, they get uninvited attention of a sexual nature, because of their breasts. I know, because all of my large-breasted friends wear that outfit, all the time. But to my point: I wear that same thing, and I get no attention at all. Which is nice. And then I wear a scandalously sexy, skin-tight outfit, and I also get no attention! I’m kidding. What I mean to say is, people say, “Oh, that looks nice! You’re so elegant.”
4. You can look elegant pretty easily. See above.
5. The nipples are showcased. And nipples are interesting. I don’t want to say much more about nipples, because it makes me feel awkward and inappropriate. But I think they’re pretty. OK, that’s it.
6. You can sometimes go braless. I went through a phase, last summer, where I did this, and it was incredibly fun and exhilarating. I felt free. I felt daring. I felt like yelling, “Hello, New York City! I’m not wearing a bra!!” But I didn’t, and then I felt like it was this sexy secret that everyone was probably whispering about. They definitely weren’t, but I talked about how empowered I was with my friends, a lot, and that was nice. After wearing a bra for approximately half my life, it was shocking to realize that actually, it was sort of optional. And then I got stuck in this freezing cold restaurant at a party for like four hours, and carried on a lot of charming little conversations with my arms crossed over my chest. So I’m not ready to give up on bras completely. But I still stand by my right to occasionally go boldly without.
7. You can wear a strapless dress without it being a big deal. I will do this, after I stop being really scared of what will happen if I lift my arms up. Which I need to do all the time– as we all do. My wedding gown was strapless. But that was more because all wedding gowns are strapless, and I had no choice. Still, it was empowering. I know I can do it again, some day, if I keep my arms down.
8. You can do yoga without even noticing them. I like not having to think about my breasts when they’re not playing an important role in whatever’s going on. Like if I’m jogging (which I almost never am, but it’s happened once or twice). Or if I’m playing a sport (ping pong), or if I need to be upside down at any point.
9. They don’t sag. I kinda don’t want to brag about the whole “they don’t sag!” thing, because it sounds more like an insult to big breasts and older women than a compliment to smaller ones and younger women. I’m also not sure I want to unquestioningly support firm perkiness. Last time I checked, breasts were made out of fat, and fat is squishy. And while I do have one friend with mysteriously perky natural boobs, and they are indeed spectacular, they are also the exception. And softness is really nice. Sagginess probably just means you’re older than 35, and some day I too hope to be older than 35. So instead of all that– how about #9 is “They feel good.” People don’t spend enough time talking about how nice small breasts feel. Sometimes I catch myself just feelin’ mine up. It’s sort of comforting. That is maybe the weirdest thing I’ve admitted to on the internet. They fit nicely in the hands. They are like little pillows of happiness.
10. Not to be sappy, but they do the really important stuff. They feel good when they’re played with. They have the ability to provide milk for a baby, which is badass. They’re womanly and pretty. They’re often charming in profile. And even though all of those things are true for big boobs, too, small boobs do it with their own special style. They do it while being awesome for all of the other nine reasons. They might be in a strapless dress while doing it. You never know. Small boobs are full of surprises.